There’s a fire inside
which has been slowly growing of late.
A charge within
which evokes thoughts of progress;
Feelings of yearning for goals of old;
Drive to start building again –
that which has remained relatively unmoved –
in my own perception.
Former crowning moments
Remind me of the capability laying dormant –
the fire which moulded thoughts, experiences, dreams,
into awesomely-inspired outbursts of beauty:
releases of everything I needed to say,
In words so perfectly crafted
that they touched the hearts of others,
while quenching something within my own.
The fire that projected my inner self
to realms accessible by others –
both in thought and feeling.
A fire that helped me discover one of my greatest comforts,
Thereby keeping warm a soul afflicted with so prolonged a personal winter.
And now, as I stand on the threshold of life’s new stage,
I so dearly wish
that this fire remains strong,
and grows exponentially,
building to a mammoth blaze
which pushes me to the furthest reaches of my potential,
in all that I am to be.
To all who connect with these words:
May your most dear of fires stay burning and bright within you;
And may you always stay true to the essence of your inner being.
Usually, the post would end here – the poem being the sole contents of it. But along with this, I’d like to say a few things – some of which relates to the feelings that inspired the poem.
2009’s been a quiet year in terms of my blogging and writing. If you’ve been a reader for the last few years, you’ll notice that the inspirations are more fleeting these days – as opposed to the consistency of previous years. Obviously, the primary reason is that my life is so different for the last year and a half. Solitude seems to have been the fuel to much of my past inspirations; and now, those moments are few and far between.
Being married, I went from having the privacy of being alone most of the time – with all the time and space I needed to pursue my writing (or actually, it pursued me as and when it needed to come out) – to being in company most of the time, and no longer having the volume of opportunities I used to have for that solitude.
But I’ve got no regrets at all – because if you knew me back then, you’d know that marriage was my biggest dream in that period of my life – and the dream not only came true, but it remains ongoing every single day, alhamdulilah.
But the poem above is partly about writing, and I have to admit I am sad that my writing hasn’t followed me into marriage to the degree I hoped it would. I did write a lot last year (some of it published, some not), but I hoped the inspiration would come a lot more often than it did. Unfortunately, the busy-ness of life – married life, particularly – seems to have drowned out the foundation upon which my previous works were built.
And I realise that it’ll never be the same again – because life progresses (as it should). So, the question is whether that need in me – the need to write, to express – will adapt to the changing circumstances, or not. Whether it will draw its fuel from new sources, and then, whether I’ll be able to make the space and time I need to let out what’s inside.
My writing always worked on inspiration – it was never a planned thing. And I never want it to be planned – because inspiration and spontaneity are the driving forces; and you can never plan for that.
So, with big changes coming up for me in the next few months, insha-Allah, I hope that a new balance will emerge. One which will enable me to take what I’m experiencing and translate it into words that serve the same, critically-important purpose which my previous writings served.
But whether that happens or not, I do plan to continue blogging, insha-Allah. Just don’t be disappointed if the “Meanderings” category stays scarce…
And my sincere thanks to everyone who visits the blog – whether you’re an old faithful reader or someone relatively new. I appreciate your comments and your coming by, and I hope you draw something beneficial from the posts.