slip-sliding away…..

Re-awakening

Posted by Yacoob on August 20, 2010

I have been re-awoken. This month, which is usually so inspirational for me, has once again lived up to its greatness in terms of my personal development.

You see, I know this is the best time for self-analysis and change. It’s always like that – because it’s the month where other stuff steps back, into the background, and I can focus more easily on striving in my worship (which, for me, includes personal development).

For some reason, on day 1 this month, I started writing a journal. It’s kind of like my ‘Ramadan journal’ – which I envisaged would be just for this month. And every day, I’ve written of my experiences, thoughts, and realizations – much of which has been self-analytical.

Through this writing, I’ve pinpointed several huge issues that have negatively impacted n my life. And through this writing, I’ve been able to record what those root causes are, how I feel about them, and what I think can remedy the situations.

I used to write a lot. In emails to others; in personal, private things; and in blog posts – which were personal reflections as well as creative expressions. I used to love writing. It was therapeutic for me. Through writing, I was able to analyse so much – both in my own life and the outside world.

And then, with added responsibilities over the last almost-3 years, that side of me started declining. I just didn’t have time for writing anymore – the kind of time I used to have. And even when I did have time, my life wasn’t conducive to the conditions which fed that inner-writer.

I never wanted to lose that – that love of writing; that ability to express myself so easily and just pour out what was in my heart. And in that time where this side of me was in decline, the inspiration and writing came less often. And often, when it did come, I wouldn’t be happy with what I wrote. I wouldn’t feel it was so sincere – or rather, so intense in my heart. Some of it just felt mechanical.

And I thought: maybe that writing side of you will eventually disappear altogether, and become a thing of the past. And though I was sad at that, what else could I do? How was I to nurture and revive this side of me what everything in my life (including my own selfish desires) was just not co-operating to bring it back, or give it a chance?

But this month, consistently, I’ve felt waves of inspiration. Like that part of me is back from the dead. And it feels so good because it’s like welcoming back a very dear, beloved friend which you thought you’d never see again.

The thing is, I no longer have those large stretches of solitude and being alone – which was the fertile breeding ground that bred my past inspiration and creativity. But this month has brought with it something that is almost equal in effect; in that I’m inspired to write so much again, and I’m driven to write. I put it down, completely, to this being a gift that Allah has given me this month. And I’m tremendously grateful to have it.

Of course, I know I’m going to run into time issues – but I hope I’ll be able to work around that intelligently so that I can write the most important things.

Already, the pessimist in me tells me that this will be short lived: this is just a period, a high that will come down – and I won’t have this going forward. I mean, I have had a moment similar to this before – yet not a lot came after that.

Insha-Allah, it won’t end up the same. And I hope to prove Mr Negative wrong.

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4 Responses to “Re-awakening”

  1. al said

    it’s the same with many other things we love doing- and are good at- i find that you get a high of intense inspiration, and then a high of intense ‘writers-block’.

    the same with imaan and creativity in painting, or drawing, even poetry.

    to me i see it this way- if you don’t get that low, you won’t know when you on a high… and that would be worse than being on a low sometimes, coz then you’ll always be wanting.

    this ramadaan has been a very trying one for me so far. i havent had that high yet, and i feel that it won’t come, coz the month is flying by so quickly. i’m deeply saddened and i really don’t know what to do…

    anyway i’m glad that you have found that side again. may it last for as long as its good for you :)

  2. Azra said

    I go through my patches where I feel uninspired… and other times I feel like I can’t get enough of writing. I really is theraputic, and the best form of therapy. I say don’t think about it too much, just take it one day at a time… make the most of it one day at a time and InshaAllah, you never know…

  3. bb_aisha said

    I resolved to write every day after Fajr, but it hasn’t happened. As my mum told me today, I lack self-discipline in some aspects. Which is very true.

    I want to blog more meaningfully.

    May each of us continue to find thoughts inside which inspire us to write.

    Yours writing has inspired me many a time.

  4. Dreamlife said

    You know, when I wrote this, I was on a high – and I hoped it would last. I still hope it will – because the inspiration is still coming.

    But it just goes to show how fast things can change – because the last few days have been so consumed with worldly things (we’re moving house), that I feel Ramadan is now slipping away from me.

    Such are the vicissitudes of life. (I love that word :)

    Al: you’ve already posted your thoughts on your struggles this month – so you can go and check your replies there for my thoughts.

    Azra: i think you’re spot on in saying don’t think about it too much. inspiration, for me, can never be forced. i view it as a gift and i’m grateful when it comes. but the thing is, if i don’t MAKE time to write – if i don’t give myself those opportunities, then life pretty much runs over me and i just don’t get inspired and don’t write. so, the key is to make that time – because, as this month has proven, that side of me is still there.

    BB AIsha: JazakAllah for the kind words. my goals in writing what i write – whether they’re poems or personal reflections – are firstly to express what’s inside me; and secondly to hopefully inspire others, or hope that some positive impact comes from their reading it. i’m glad you’ve been inspired.

    i think for you, too, you just need to make the time to do it. you’re probably hectically busy, so if you don’t make the effort – chances are you’re in the same situation as me (i.e. you just won’t write as much meaningful stuff as you want to).

    i don’t know if you keep a journal, but like i said, i’ve done that so far this month, and i think it’s really helping to keep the writing flowing. i just take stretches out of each day – when i have realisations or some lesson comes to me, to write down these things. the journal keeps the momentum going – so it’s not a case of: “sit down to write a meaningful thing” – because that attitude is easily susceptible to procrastination. rather, if short journal entries can work for you, try that. it may be as good for your momentum as it is for me so far.

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