Posted by Yacoob on August 20, 2010
I have been re-awoken. This month, which is usually so inspirational for me, has once again lived up to its greatness in terms of my personal development.
You see, I know this is the best time for self-analysis and change. It’s always like that – because it’s the month where other stuff steps back, into the background, and I can focus more easily on striving in my worship (which, for me, includes personal development).
For some reason, on day 1 this month, I started writing a journal. It’s kind of like my ‘Ramadan journal’ – which I envisaged would be just for this month. And every day, I’ve written of my experiences, thoughts, and realizations – much of which has been self-analytical.
Through this writing, I’ve pinpointed several huge issues that have negatively impacted n my life. And through this writing, I’ve been able to record what those root causes are, how I feel about them, and what I think can remedy the situations.
I used to write a lot. In emails to others; in personal, private things; and in blog posts – which were personal reflections as well as creative expressions. I used to love writing. It was therapeutic for me. Through writing, I was able to analyse so much – both in my own life and the outside world.
And then, with added responsibilities over the last almost-3 years, that side of me started declining. I just didn’t have time for writing anymore – the kind of time I used to have. And even when I did have time, my life wasn’t conducive to the conditions which fed that inner-writer.
I never wanted to lose that – that love of writing; that ability to express myself so easily and just pour out what was in my heart. And in that time where this side of me was in decline, the inspiration and writing came less often. And often, when it did come, I wouldn’t be happy with what I wrote. I wouldn’t feel it was so sincere – or rather, so intense in my heart. Some of it just felt mechanical.
And I thought: maybe that writing side of you will eventually disappear altogether, and become a thing of the past. And though I was sad at that, what else could I do? How was I to nurture and revive this side of me what everything in my life (including my own selfish desires) was just not co-operating to bring it back, or give it a chance?
But this month, consistently, I’ve felt waves of inspiration. Like that part of me is back from the dead. And it feels so good because it’s like welcoming back a very dear, beloved friend which you thought you’d never see again.
The thing is, I no longer have those large stretches of solitude and being alone – which was the fertile breeding ground that bred my past inspiration and creativity. But this month has brought with it something that is almost equal in effect; in that I’m inspired to write so much again, and I’m driven to write. I put it down, completely, to this being a gift that Allah has given me this month. And I’m tremendously grateful to have it.
Of course, I know I’m going to run into time issues – but I hope I’ll be able to work around that intelligently so that I can write the most important things.
Already, the pessimist in me tells me that this will be short lived: this is just a period, a high that will come down – and I won’t have this going forward. I mean, I have had a moment similar to this before – yet not a lot came after that.
Insha-Allah, it won’t end up the same. And I hope to prove Mr Negative wrong.