slip-sliding away…..

Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

Marriage and you (Yes, YOU)

Posted by Yacoob on March 5, 2012

Once upon a time, for what felt like ages, marriage was the most important issue in my life. For years, I searched for that elusive partner – the mythical ‘soulmate’ who would ‘complete’ me, help me to grow personally, and provide for me the emotional bond I so desperately craved.

And in those years, a lot of my focus –in thought, writing, and discussions with others – was on that very mission – who, when, and how it would all happen. In fact, I think the pinnacle of my writing at that point was this poem – which encapsulated pretty much all my dreams for marriage.

And when it did finally happen, it didn’t take long for that focus to fade away. I mean, once a mission is complete, you don’t go on ruminating about it – especially when time no longer permits (yes – being married is a rather time-consuming matter).

As far as the blog world goes, back then, there were many others who were in the same boat as me. And I’ve found that it’s a constant in this realm – many bloggers and commenters are single, and looking (not necessarily the ones referred to above).

And while I myself am no longer in their shoes, a part of me still remembers what it was like. So with that in mind, I have some thoughts about a possible series I’d like to start on this here blog – specifically on that subject matter: Mission Marriage.

So what I would like from you – the single and looking ones out there – is your input. You can choose to post here as a comment with your blog-name or anonymously, or email instead if you don’t want it publically visible.

  • What are the biggest issues for you in your quest?
  • In today’s times and Western societies we live in, is the ‘Islamic way’ of going about this quest still feasible or effective?
  • What are your thoughts on arranged marriage? And would you accept it for yourself?
  • Do you fear that you’re approaching a ‘sell-by date’, after which your chances are going to fall dramatically?
  • What kind of wedding do you hope for?
  • What are your thoughts on pre-marital education (e.g. marriage classes)?

Those are just some questions that came to mind, but there are probably many more that can be added.

In your responses, I ask that you be honest but also careful not to say anything you would regret later. Don’t get too personal (meaning, don’t give your life story about your experiences in this – extract your points without mentioning any identifiable names). And don’t expose any wrongs that you or others have done. And don’t harshly criticize others who are doing things you don’t agree with.

I don’t know if anything will come of this, but it’s an idea right now – and perhaps it may blossom into something bigger, if demand is there and time permits it to go further.

Posted in Marriage | 6 Comments »

Reminders

Posted by Yacoob on November 2, 2007

Salaams everyone, and I hope you’re well.

As you may have heard, Dreamlife has a Dreamlady, and they’ve been married nearly three weeks :) .

So, in the spirit of well wishes and many, many pieces of advice that were passed on to me since this all began, I’d like to share some gems which may seem obvious, but are important to remind oneself of.

They apply not only to the married couples, but also to those who are single, and those about to embark on this next phase of life – the partnership of marriage.

I’m posting this as a reminder for myself, as well as you, my readers, as these are principles to be mindful of; guidance to remember both pro-actively and re-actively, as you go forward in life as part of a duo.

This list is by no means complete: it’s an open list , so I’d like anyone who has advice to share it on this post – whether someone told it to you, or you learnt it yourself. Sharing is so important, and in matters like these, a little bit of advice can go a long way.

Ok, onto the Reminders:

  • Make lots of dua – both together and individually.
  • Take things one day at a time.
  • Communication is one of the most important aspects of the relationship. Always keep those lines of communication open, even when you’re in conflict.
  • Try to be independent as a couple. Help from others is ok, but let the help of others be supplementary, rather than your foundation.
  • Have good intentions for each other, always.
  • Comfort and affirm each other, especially in your spouse’s insecurities.
  • Accept their shortcomings and speak sensitively and constructively about them, rather than negatively and critically.
  • Don’t show them that you are doing favors by doing your duties.
  • When eating, don’t only feed yourself, feed them too: Not only does it go to the stomach but to the heart too.
  • Be each other’s best friend. Share your happiness and sorrow with them.
  • When arguments arise, deal with it and don’t run away from it. Don’t leave your wounds open for the germs to infect your relationship.
  • Don’t hold grudges. Deal with the littlest matters and don’t ignore them, for they may build up and will create a wall between you.
  • Never bring up mistakes of the past.
  • As much as possible, especially in stressful times, remember to smile at each other. After all, smiling is a form of Sadaqah.
  • Don’t share your home secrets with your friends. Keep your privacy, and don’t make it a garage sale.
  • Respect the boundaries of the intimate relationship- it’s a fragile matter.
  • Make an effort to dress up and look good for each other, even in your old age :) .

    and finally, but maybe most importantly:

  • Encourage each other to worship & obey Allah. And do things that will bring you closer to Allah TOGETHER – e.g. go for Islamic classes; read beneficial articles; watch something beneficial; listen to a lecture or recitation. By growing together in deen, insha-Allah Allah will not only increase you in Imaan and Taqwa, but bring your two hearts closer together.

Posted in Are you pondering what I'm pondering?, Marriage | 11 Comments »

Childhood

Posted by Yacoob on September 27, 2007

When did life get this complicated?
When did the innocence and ignorance and bliss of childhood depart?
How is it that grown-up stuff,
responsibilities,
duties,
mature expectations,
are all second nature now?

How did everything become so serious?
When did carefree summer days,
of playing in the yard,
being fed,
sitting on my auntie’s lap (more like sliding off it :) ),
falling asleep in the back seat of the car,
following Daddy around the house to close the curtains at night,
planning with such eagerness
to stay up late
to watch something on TV,
but never lasting long enough to see it.

When? When did childhood depart?

Why did superficial, worldly pursuits overtake our freedom?
Why were we not protected,
against music and skateboards,
comedy and movies,
swearwords and nude pictures,
“You” magazine and gossip,
pop culture and obsession with celebrities,
video games and endless magazines…

Why did all these
come to be so integral to our lives?
So ingrained in our young imaginations.

We were warned against Heavy Metal and posters on the wall,
rap lyrics and watching too much TV;
yet we didn’t see the wisdom behind the warnings;
we rebelled -
kids who knew better than adult opinion:
kids who knew only what they wanted,
and cared not about anything else.

Childhood was suffocated many years ago;
poisoned under the burdens of how we learnt to ‘enjoy’ ourselves;
occupy our time in superficial pursuits,
which led only to superficial fulfillment;
temporary pleasure,
but hollow, empty permanence.

Our souls were un-nourished,
and so our pure spirits deserted us;
as we grew into unhappy adolescents,
selfish teenagers,
in a world that fed such rampant thoughtlessness.

But that childhood innocence,
that little boy who cried too much,
and felt sadness beyond his years;
he lived on -
a tiny flame,
holding on through the Ages of Darkness.

And now,
his other self,
his grown up being,
has come to Truth,
and struggled through years of pain and waiting,
and emerged from the cocoon of life’s preparation.

Now, his grown up self
has found his destiny,
his companion,
that which was lacking all this time.

And as these two butterflies
prepare to roam the breezes and currents of life together;
that little boy rejoices,
for,
in time – if God wills -
he’ll be joined by his companion,
his little brother,
his best friend.

And childhood will once again be;
only this time,
lessons from History will have been learnt;
and Innocence will be maintained,
Purity treasured,
nurtured,
protected;
so that the next little boy
grows up happier,
in the Light of Truth,
Kindness,
Mercy,
and conscious rememberance that he is,
and always will be,
safe in the Hands of the Most Loving.

Posted in Marriage, Meanderings | 2 Comments »

Dedication

Posted by Yacoob on September 18, 2007

To every soul still searching for their companion,
a sincere dedication:
to your strength,
your patience,
your faith.

Maybe you’ve been on this quest longer than you think you can bear;
Or maybe you’re just starting out -
early days,
in an early daze,
hoping your Prince or Princess will appear very soon.

Wherever you are on this Journey,
know that success lies not in your hands,
and dreams are not fulfilled according to your schedule.

Frustration, pain and failure may visit you often;
and hope may seem to desert you at times
as your dearly-held dream flutters in and out of your reach,
like an elusive butterfly -
glorious in its delightful beauty,
but fragile and elusive.

But keep holding on,
and never let disapointment break your spirit;
for each misadventure,
each dead end,
each seemingly-wasted effort
is no waste at all.

Everything falls within a Greater Plan,
and though your vision may be temporarily obscured by the present,
remain hopeful,
trusting that the future holds something much greater for you.

Be true to yourself,
be true to your Creator:
realise that nothing happens unless by His Will.

So each day that passes,
and each night that goes by without you having attained the dream,
consider it a necessity:
the training you require
to mould you into the person you need to be.

Keep praying,
Keep trying,
Be patient and persevering through everything;
and above all:
use this time to draw closer to your Creator,
and work on yourself;

Become the person you want to be.
Don’t think that your own development must wait until you have someone to grow with.
Tomorrow is promised to no one,
and when you do find that precious soul to accompany you into Eternity,
won’t you feel good
knowing you’re able to start your life together from a stronger personal foundation?

So, to every soul still in this struggle:
be strong,
be patient,
and keep the faith.

Dreams come true.
I’m living proof of that.

(Note: The prequel to this came 5 months earlier – here.)

Posted in Marriage, Meanderings | 9 Comments »

For the single people out there

Posted by Yacoob on April 20, 2007

This one’s for all of us who are waiting. I hope you take something good from it.

“Reliance”

They tell you to be patient.
They say your time will come:
what is meant to be will be;

And all that lies between now and then
is a trial of Faith,
a lesson in patience,
a Revelation of your ultimate reliance on the One.

You seek that which, you feel, will complete your heart;
complement your mind;
bring lasting comfort to your soul.

You wish for the bond of love and tranquility,
placed between your hearts;
you yearn for the one who will be a garment to you,
and you fulfilling the same blessed purpose for them.

You dream of a future,
a life no longer alone.
A companion to share with you all the extacy and agony you will face within your journey.
Someone who will walk with you,
side by side,
hand in hand,
down the beautiful path that leads back the One to Whom we belong,
the One to Whom is our return.

And though you will face that Day alone,
your bond – and all it manifested itself as – gives you hope
that, together, you were each other’s helping hand.

You enjoined what was good,
and forbade what was evil;
You had a common goal, a beautiful goal;
and the support of each other was your safety net:
you had a home in their arms,
and when they held you,
nothing could harm you -

For you were right where you were destined to be,
wrapped in the love of the one who you held so dear,

and the two of you,
wrapped in the Love of the One Who brought your souls into existence,
then shaped you over time – through pain and joy, preparing you for the pure, everlasting union that was always in existence – though you did not know it until it came to your senses:
manifested itself in front of your eyes.

He alone, you worshipped;
He alone, you asked for help.

And though, at times, you grew frustrated,
wondering when the help would come;
when it would be your turn -
in truth, the Help was always there.

It was just for you to accept -
with your heart and your mind,
beyond the superficial rhetoric -
that everything has its appointed time.

So on that Day,
as you stand before Him,
you do so in the knowledge that your lives,
your souls,
though beginning separated;
were brought together at the appointed time.

And all that came before was not a waste -
on the contrary,
it was a treasure chest:
a collection of thoughts, feelings, experiences;
all part of your preparation.

Yet you did not see it that way,
in your haste to attain that which you so cherished.

But the past has passed,
and all is put into perspective now.

And though we cannot conceive what awaits us in the Hereafter
- for Paradise begins where the imagination ends -
we know who we wish to share it with.

So, look past the immediacy of these moments without them;
and remember what awaits you in your future.

Take lessons from the past.
Be thankful for the present.
Be hopeful for the future.

Seek help in patience and prayer;
ask of Him Who is of infinite bounty.

Tell Him all that you fear,
all that you dream of,
all that you want;

Open up to Him and pour out every ounce of the hurt you feel.
Let it all go.

For when you have done so,
when your troubles have been released,
you will be brought back to the truth and comfort of your ultimate reliance on the One:
your Eternal Companion; closer than you can imagine.

Keep the faith, always.

(Note: The sequel to this came 5 months later – here.)

Posted in Marriage, Meanderings | 38 Comments »

 
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