Mash

(Part 1 written on 12^th January 2009; Part 2 written on 22^nd October 2009)

Before I forget,
Let me scribble down
The thoughts I wish to express –
Record for my own self
As a memory of this moment of my life.

Before I move on,
Let me remember the feeling
Of being submerged in the biggest part of my planet;
Wave after wave,
Gentle and rough,
Smoothly-contoured and wildly spread;
Jumping into,
Under,
Facing head on,
And turning my back;
Being moved by the never-ending forces of push and pull,
So vastly spread in oceans off every land mass in existence.

Shall I remember the outrage and mourning?
Of hundreds being massacred,
Each and every day
By an enemy whose heart is black,
Forever stained by the crimes they’ve committed against the innocent,
The innocent they wish to wipe out,
All for a small worldly gain.

Yet their arrogance in the earth
Will earn them all they deserve in Eternity,
If only they remembered –
If only they believed.

Shall I recall?
The memory of grandparents passed;
Layed to rest under lumps of soil,
Never to speak again in this world,
Yet their legacies live on
Through children now grown up,
With new generations following the established cycle of life:
From conception to birth,
Childhood to marriage,
Children to death,
And so it begins again.

Shall I spare a moment?
In thought of the seed I’ve planted,
The precious little one who now grows each day
In the womb of his/her first university;
The mother-to-be,
Whose pain I’ve not understood,
Whose frustration I can only hear about – but never feel.

Shall I stop to think?
Of the aspirations we have for our little bean,
How much we hope (s)he will live out the dreams we never could,
Contribute to this world the things we were not strong enough to;
For it seems our destiny was not to fulfill these bold ambitions –
But to lay the foundations for the next generation,
Who would start their journey much earlier than we,
And exhibit the nobility of character we ourselves could not attain.

- – -

Now that I’m back,
Let me continue
this hodgepodge of themes and thoughts,
and things that sit inside,
stifled by the busy-ness of life,
never finding their way into written expression.

Let me marvel
At the growing love that manifests itself before my very heart,
spending precious moments with the little soul that has been entrusted to my care.

Let me imagine
All that I want to do for her,
help her with,
protect her from,
teach and mould her to be.

Let me enjoy
the moments of the evening where she lays sprawled out on me,
tired from her day of playing, eating, fussing, and sleeping.

Let me express
my amazement at this miniature being,
who is now so utterly dependent on us,
yet in a few years
she’ll be doing her own thing,
perhaps – in innocence – making much mischief,
and needing near-constant supervision.

But before then,
can I stop to think of my own ambitions?
My own desire to use my abilities and passions
in ways that benefit others as well as myself.

Will I ever have the time?
To let loose that which is in me,
for a prolonged period,
Seeing my potential manifest before my eyes:
in words,
in images,
in conveyance of goodness from the depths of my being,
to the malleable hearts of those in search of direction.

Yet the guidance comes not from me,
but merely through me;
And maybe – just maybe -
someday I’ll find a larger stage to put forward amalgamations of
inspiration,
knowledge,
creativity, and
eloquence,
while still being cautious of the pride that could creep in and corrupt my intention,
thereby destroying my reward.

Before the thoughts run dry
Let me end here,
returning to my ‘normal’ life
of day to day, 7 to 4, routine action to routine action,
broken up by weekends.

But hoping to see – more constantly – the bigger picture:
that this life is not just an aimless Matrix,
but rather a means to a bright future -
which requires striving in the present,
a long wait until the end,
and,
by God’s mercy,
an everlasting Peace as the final destination.

Fire

There’s a fire inside
which has been slowly growing of late.

A charge within
which evokes thoughts of progress;
Feelings of yearning for goals of old;
Drive to start building again –
that which has remained relatively unmoved –
in my own perception.

Former crowning moments
Remind me of the capability laying dormant –
the fire which moulded thoughts, experiences, dreams,
and Faith
into awesomely-inspired outbursts of beauty:
releases of everything I needed to say,
In words so perfectly crafted
that they touched the hearts of others,
while quenching something within my own.

The fire that projected my inner self
to realms accessible by others –
both in thought and feeling.

A fire that helped me discover one of my greatest comforts,
Thereby keeping warm a soul afflicted with so prolonged a personal winter.

And now, as I stand on the threshold of life’s new stage,
I so dearly wish
that this fire remains strong,
and grows exponentially,
building to a mammoth blaze
which pushes me to the furthest reaches of my potential,
in Faith,
in fatherhood,
in writing,
in all that I am to be.

To all who connect with these words:
May your most dear of fires stay burning and bright within you;
And may you always stay true to the essence of your inner being.

~~~~

Usually, the post would end here – the poem being the sole contents of it. But along with this, I’d like to say a few things – some of which relates to the feelings that inspired the poem.

2009’s been a quiet year in terms of my blogging and writing. If you’ve been a reader for the last few years, you’ll notice that the inspirations are more fleeting these days – as opposed to the consistency of previous years. Obviously, the primary reason is that my life is so different for the last year and a half. Solitude seems to have been the fuel to much of my past inspirations; and now, those moments are few and far between.

Being married, I went from having the privacy of being alone most of the time – with all the time and space I needed to pursue my writing (or actually, it pursued me as and when it needed to come out) – to being in company most of the time, and no longer having the volume of opportunities I used to have for that solitude.

But I’ve got no regrets at all – because if you knew me back then, you’d know that marriage was my biggest dream in that period of my life – and the dream not only came true, but it remains ongoing every single day, alhamdulilah.

But the poem above is partly about writing, and I have to admit I am sad that my writing hasn’t followed me into marriage to the degree I hoped it would. I did write a lot last year (some of it published, some not), but I hoped the inspiration would come a lot more often than it did. Unfortunately, the busy-ness of life – married life, particularly – seems to have drowned out the foundation upon which my previous works were built.

And I realise that it’ll never be the same again – because life progresses (as it should). So, the question is whether that need in me – the need to write, to express – will adapt to the changing circumstances, or not. Whether it will draw its fuel from new sources, and then, whether I’ll be able to make the space and time I need to let out what’s inside.

My writing always worked on inspiration – it was never a planned thing. And I never want it to be planned – because inspiration and spontaneity are the driving forces; and you can never plan for that.

So, with big changes coming up for me in the next few months, insha-Allah, I hope that a new balance will emerge. One which will enable me to take what I’m experiencing and translate it into words that serve the same, critically-important purpose which my previous writings served.

But whether that happens or not, I do plan to continue blogging, insha-Allah. Just don’t be disappointed if the “Meanderings” category stays scarce…

And my sincere thanks to everyone who visits the blog – whether you’re an old faithful reader or someone relatively new. I appreciate your comments and your coming by, and I hope you draw something beneficial from the posts.

Y

Ponderances of an expectant father

You never really know what something is like until you go through it for yourself. People can tell you about their experiences, tell you what to expect, and you can do a lot of research on your own – all to prepare you for the point where you finally experience it for yourself. But you never really feel it – and you never really know it, until you’re in it yourself.

I remember a few years ago, a discussion with some fellow bloggers, about marriage. We all had our ideas, our dreams, our warnings (the defence mechanism for not letting the dreams go to our heads) – things we learnt from the problems of others; ideals we held for our own futures: aspirations of the lives we wanted to live when we finally stepped into that (hopefully) eternal union with another.

But we knew that, until we actually went through it ourselves, we were just hypothesizing.

Almost a year and a half into marriage, and those days seem so far away from me – in time and memory. It’s like I rarely remember what those years felt like at all, let alone the intensity of those feelings.

And today, as I stand so comfortably and established in this now not-so-new life, the coming months bring with them the promise of a further step forward, God-willing. After being so settled for what seemed like a long time, the natural progression from one state of life to another continues: from singledom to marriage, now marriage to parenthood.

And, from what I gather, the next step is all about sacrifice. For, with this new arrival, my life is no longer my own. I think now of the immensity of giving that’s involved in being a parent. I think of what a parent is: what they give to their children, what they give up for their children, what they do for their children; the natural instinct they have to want to do anything to make their children happy.

And I wonder – selfish as I consider myself to be – whether that’s something that will come naturally to me too. Will I just automatically switch to sacrifice-mode? Will it take years to learn? Will I ever be as giving, loving, or amazing as my own parents were (and still are) with me?

Relating back to the intro, I guess it’s only a matter of time until I find out (roughly four months or so, to be more specific).

And while the world seems to be running itself down at a more rapid rate now – with financial crises, environmental problems, and sometimes social anarchy (i.e. the crime situation here and elsewhere) – I wonder whether being a parent in these times will be more difficult than the past.

I recall a Hadith that says something like: ‘Raise your children better than you were raised, for they will face more difficult times than you.’

Seeing the progressive degeneration of our world, it’s easy to see why the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave us that advice. But I wonder whether we, the parents-to-be, are capable of even matching the upbringing we ourselves had.

Sure, we have ideas about how we want our raise our kids. But, just like the pre-marriage discussions mentioned above, we’re only hypothesizing. We don’t know what it’ll be like – we can’t know, until it happens.

All we can do is try to prepare, and try to make sure our foundations are strong so that, God-willing, we can face whatever comes our way and be successful.

And, no matter what situation you’re faced with, the best foundation is faith. Faith, accompanied by patience.

The ride hasn’t yet started, and doesn’t feel real to me yet, but once it does begin – I hope we’ll be strapped in nicely and ready to endure the ups and downs, and enjoy the adventures to come.

28

Seven years have passed,

since those fateful days

when my life changed forever.

 

Seven years are gone,

since those moments of magic

sparked my soul to life,

brought into focus the dream

I pursued in the years that followed.

 

Memories of a lifetime gone by,

empty and purposeless;

using whatever pleasures took my fancy,

to fill the void inside.

 

A single soul

wandered through hallways of youth -

my generation,

the ones enjoying the best years of their lives.

 

I existed with them,

but was never of them –

for never did i find a companion whose soul took to mine,

never did there emerge

one who would be called a true friend

to this habitually melancholy stranger.

 

But looking back on this life,

tears well up

with fond memories of times -

both sad and happy -

which were always accompanied

by the Only Companion I’d ever need.

 

The One who made me,

the One who was with me

through every second of my existence,

and remains closer than I can comprehend.

 

The One who was patient with me,

in my times of adolescent selfishness and transgression.

 

Who withheld the punishment

for the evils I accrued

in my years and years of directionless-ness.

 

Who imbued in me modesty,

masked as shyness –

seen by so many as a weakness –

but now known to me as a great virtue,

something that protected me

from going down roads

which would permanently scar my fragile being.

 

Though in comparison to Eternity,

life may be the blink of an eyelid;

to me,

life has been immense,

and filled with uncountable memories.

 

Setting aside judgements,

regrets

and future plans,

Time stands still.

 

I step outside of my present hurried existence,

and look back to all that has passed,

and all I’ve become,

and express gratitude

to all who have been part of this journey.

 

And the most gratitude of all,

as well as feelings words cannot encapsulate,

is for the Sublime One,

to Whom I belong,

and to Whom I am returning.
    
 

State of the workplace

I see

a camera crew,

filming a truck-police chase.

 

I see

performers,

practicing their craft

outside the circus school in an abandoned park.

 

I see

suspended men,

washing the windows of those who are trapped in an office.

 

I see

gardeners at work,

watering the gardens outside the theatre.

 

I see

tall buildings

reaching up to the sky –

yet dwarfed by the mountain that sits overlooking this city.

 

I see

car dealerships

all over this place –

sales agents waiting to earn their commission,

new models waiting to be driven off the showroom floor

by another satisfied customer.

 

I see

students milling around

outside the technikon building,

not realizing these are the last of their easy days

for adulthood awaits them in a little while.

 

I see

the bank’s branded car

the print shop’s mural’d van

the courier’s enclosed scooter:

business as usual.

 

I see

council employees

going about their business,

members of the public

waiting their turn in long lines –

victims of drawn-out administrative processes

in the age of technological advancement.

 

I see

many things

outside this place I call ‘work’ –

yet I still wish to feel free of such average surroundings

for I spent many days in a place much more beautiful

in days of sun

and struggle

and occassional peace within my life’s cage

 

But those days are gone

and this is where I’m stationed

for the present

 

Will I ever return

to that place?

Or somewhere better?

 

Remembrance

Remember the One

Who knows all that you do

 

Who hears all that you say,

and knows that which you do not say

 

Who knows all that you see,

and that which you avert your vision from

 

Who is aware of all that is concealed from the world,

everything hidden within – that no one else knows of:

everything you feel,

your most private of thoughts,

your most demanding of desires,

your greatest of ambitions,

your dearest of hopes

 

Remember the One

Who brought you into existence

Who asks so little from you,

yet gives so much to you:

all that you have of goodness,

and all you’ve been spared of difficulty

 

Remember the One

Who is always with you,

Who loves for you to ask of Him,

Who listens to your pleas,

Who guides your heart to that which is best for you

 

Remember the One

Who is always ready to forgive your transgressions,

if you would only ask with sincerity,

and leave your mistakes in the past,

resolving to make your future better

 

Remember the One

Who gives strength to endure hardship,

Commitment to fight your hardest of battles,

Success to those who strive to gain His pleasure

 

Remember the One

Whose words you often hear,

Whose Guidance you’re often reminded of,

Whose Mercy and Love is beyond all human comprehension

 

Remember the One

Who has prepared for you

an abode of such beauty and pleasure,

such that no human mind has conceived of it,

no eye has envisioned it,

no sense has ever experienced it

 

Remember the One

Who has put you in this world,

and to Who you will be returned

 

And when you see Him on that,

the most important day of your life,

may all your remembrance have served you well

 

 

Weak one

 

One week into Ramadaan, I find myself scared. Scared that it’s going so fast. Scared that I’m nowhere near where I want to be. Scared that if I don’t step up now, it’ll be over before I know it.

 

I entered the month with so much hope, so many plans and so much determination to implement them. I had a schedule, a categorised list of things to work on, and the enthusiasm to get moving on it right from day one.

 

And then it hit me: illness. Aches that hurt the physical being, and tiredness which clung onto the mental, stripping away any hope I had of getting that good start I hoped for.

 

But there was hope, because despite the setbacks, I refused to give in. I didn’t want to admit defeat to an illness which – in my view – was more an irritation than a serious medical concern (thought it could well have turned into that). The timing was frustrating, but it all fell within a bigger picture – a wiser plan which I’ve yet to comprehend.

 

And now, with a week gone, the physical strength is back (alhamdullilah), but so too is laziness. And this is not the time for laziness.

 

Added to that, a recent medical discovery has meant I’ve got to make some changes in something which is very dear to me, but a terrible habit which has spiralled almost uncontrollably this year. Some might call it silly, but each of us has our struggles. And this has been my biggest one in recent months. And now I’m forced to change. No choice – I have to, because if I don’t, the long term consequences can be serious.

 

So, it’s fuel to the fire I’m trying to rekindle within me. And I’m grateful, because – I’m ashamed to say – it often takes something external to be imposed in order for me to make a real change. Change used to come easier, but as I’m getting older, it’s much, much harder.

 

I’m learning the lesson first hand, that it’s better to change while you’re young and have the chance. I’m not that old yet, but it reminds me how far I’ve got to go, and the discipline I need to inculcate in order to live a life of continuous improvement. Or at least one in which I’m progressing, rather than standing still or falling back into old (bad) habits.

 

But hey, this is a month for discipline. A month in which change is easier to implement. In actual fact, it’s really like a microcosm of the rest of the year when it comes to self-discipline:

 

• During the fasting day, we can watch ourselves and behave properly. We can see what we’re capable of when it comes to restraining our lower desires and being at our best. 
  
• When night comes, and we’re ‘free’ again to indulge, we hopefully remember that we’ve fasted for all those daylight hours – and it would be a mockery to recklessly stuff ourselves full of everything we lay our eyes on. (Though, ironically, this is the month where there’s more food than any other time of year).

   

That’s pretty much like the relationship between Ramadaan and the other 11 months: we have one month of restraint, then 11 others in which we should try to remember what we did, and hopefully maintain some level of that discipline.

 

It’s a hard lesson to learn, self-discipline, but one which is critical to our success in this life and the Hereafter, for “Allah loves not the prodigals”.

 

Whatever your personal struggles this Ramadaan, I hope it’s getting easier day by day. May the next three weeks bring with it heightened awareness of where we are, where we want to be, and how to get there.

 

Keep the faith

Y

The month of Return

Another year, another time to reflect: on time gone by; on resolutions met or failed; on progress in life’s realms – the spiritual, emotional, physical, mental…

 

Ramadaan is, for me, the marker to every year. The time when I gather up my hopes and ambitions – those highest of dreams for my future – and put it into a plan; a strategy to advance for the year to follow.

 

In my childhood and immaturity, Ramadaan was not special in the spiritual sense – but more so in the physical sense. The changes it brought about with fasting, and the togetherness we had in the family – something seldom felt most other times in the year.

 

And then, in recent years, it represented a time for spiritual intensity. A time where I could – without question – focus on my relationship with my Creator. The last two Ramadaans, especially, were vital in this regard. I’ve written before about milestones, plans within the month, and ambitions when it’s over, and looking back on those postings, I so wish that this year – like those of recent memory – will also bring with it such a passionate drive. A drive within myself to work on things which are within my reach, and hopefully – in the process – advance towards things I imagine to be out of reach.

 

Last year was the first Ramadaan in my adult life where I wasn’t working. Being unemployed has its perks – especially in Ramadaan. There’s no excuse for not striving, because you have the time to embark upon the things you want to do. You can sit with the Quran. You can spend hours alone just pondering, reflecting, having long talks with God. You can make the effort to wake up in the middle of the night for the most precious of prayers. You can analyse your worldly affairs, see your shortcomings, and put in place structures and plans to overcome the weaknesses.

 

You can, you can, you can.

 

Why?

 

Because you have the time. You have the most precious resource given to humankind: time.

 

Of course, if you’re working, studying, or otherwise occupied – you still can do some of those things; but not nearly as much.

 

For me, the big difference between last year and this year is sacrifice: when I had the free time, I didn’t have to sacrifice to do all that I wanted. And now, when I don’t have the free time, I wonder if I’ll be able to give even a quarter of the attention that I could give last year.

 

There’s another big difference this year: I’m no longer alone.

 

Looking back on my resolutions list from the end of last Ramadaan, I see a list of solo ambitions – things which, in my solitude, I hoped to strive for to improve myself, my circumstances, and my relationships with others.

 

It’s ironic that, after having so special a Ramadaan – one which established the promise of so much solo advance after it departed – my life changed almost instantly, in a way which seemed to put all those plans aside.

 

Allah took me through that month, building me up to perhaps the height of solo ambition; and then, just a week later, answered a dua which I’d been making for years up to that point. The dream I’d harboured for so long finally came true, and life literally entered a new phase. One almost opposite to the alone-ness which had been the base for so much of my reflections and ramblings on this blog and in private up till that point.

 

And though it was, at times, a painful transition for me – from near-constant solitude to near-constant companionship – it is what I wanted, and I wouldn’t change it at all.

 

A journey has begun: A journey which was I was being prepared for in all the years before this union came to be. A journey which must be guided by the goals I set as a lone ranger. A journey that should be supported by the companion which God has granted me for this most hectic of life’s phases thus far. A journey in which, by His Will, I will find within myself the potential He has placed in me, use it wisely, and gain the ultimate of rewards: the Good Pleasure of my Lord.

 

I’ve been faltering and slipping a lot of late. And those weaknesses which were once conquerable, now seem to be growing stronger and stronger.

 

This blessed month has come just in time. Once again, the opportunity for change is here.

 

I just hope I’ll have the will to do what needs to be done to get myself back on track.

 

You suck!

Dedicated to the News industry…

 

So, here we are:

Dwellers of the concrete jungle,

Prisoners of our own, man-made environment;

the physical outside distorting the vision inside:

            work in boxes,

            live in boxes,

            think in boxes.

 

Force-fed your vision of the world we inhabit,

Conditioned to accept the barrage of information which bombards us at hyperspeed.

 

Information,

News,

Entertainment,

Sport,

Markets,

and weather…

 

Whether we actually need all this

is irrelevant to you.

 

Your product must be consumed.

 

Though you may have started as something meaning well,

Consumerism, technology, and the greedy puppet-masters above you

have transformed you into a monster which never sleeps.

 

A machine that churns out information –

            partly true,

            largely speculative,

            many a time completely dishonest.

 

You paint a world plagued with problems –

from oil prices to xenophobia,

global food shortages to non-existent nuclear threats to your ‘civilised’ existence.

 

You pump out words and words and words;

Inviting the masses to addiction:

24 hour News channels,

up-to-the-minute website content,

inescapable posters, boldly spewing your headlines from our every lamp post –

            into our streets,

            into our minds,

            into our hearts.

 

You create a public mindset of fear and concern,

Fueling the stresses of the ordinary mind,

Elevating man-made problems to the highest importance –

yet neglecting..even surpressing…the needs of the soul of humanity,

which must be nourished.

 

Yes. You suck.

You suck us all in.

Distort our view of Reality

by shaping our perceptions for us with sheer volume and repetition.

 

How I wish you were pure:

a return to basics,

being guided by morality,

being of unpolluted service to mankind.

 

But you’re not.

And so, I wish to escape your clutches,

And find – without your extreme ways –

true balance.

 

 

Rooftops

I like rooftops because they are freedom;
Every building has one,
And every person knows this –
yet most don’t give it a second thought;
and don’t know what lies above.

A world of freedom,
An escape from human-kind,
The biggest wide-open space in existence:
open sky,
endless horizons,
indistinguishable layers
expertly constructed by the Builder of all things.

I once had a rooftop,
Spacious and remote from everything,
A favourite getaway spot;
Where the sun would kiss my face,
the breeze would pass my presence,
and all around
peace prevailed in the quiet, undisturbed air.

Mountains in the distance,
Oceans on the sides,
Thoughts of what lay beyond those distant waters;

What far-away lands existed out there:
adventures to live through,
sights to capture for the very first time.

Worlds beyond my own,
Experience beyond my expectations.

From my perch,
way up above the bustling population,
I saw beyond:
beyond my own walls,
beyond my inhibitions,
beyond me;
All that could be,
If I dared venture out.

I like rooftops,
for they give space to my dreams.

Allow these inner eyes to explore,
And ignite in me the thought of what could be.