The following is a true story:
I pigged out last night – and I’m ashamed. After supper, I had a piece of Cadbury Fudge chocolate. The taste wasn’t what I was craving, so I had a marshmallow. That should have been enough – but it wasn’t.
The baby was being put to sleep, and there was still time before Esha.
A whisper came to my mind: ‘You hardly ever get time to just relax and read your book. Why don’t you do that now, and have a nice chocolate with it?’
I gave in.
I had a TV Bar while reading my book.
But still, the taste was not what I was looking for. Something was not being satisfied.
Another whisper: ‘Have something else, and maybe you’ll get what you’re after.’
Then my wife came downstairs, and had her own TV Bar.
Another impulse came – telling me maybe her chocolate was what I was craving.
I tried to take some – but she didn’t let me have it. (She’s territorial about her chocolate – as am I.)
We talked a bit, and then she pulled out a lamington from her handbag (which doesn’t happen often). Our old neighbour had given it to her earlier that day.
Not wanting it to go to waste (or, really, not wanting her to have all of it) – I had some.
And I don’t think it satisfied me either.
Now, at that point, I’d eaten so much crap that I couldn’t possibly have more.
So then I went to the masjid for Esha, and there was a janazah. One thought that ran through my mind was:
“One day / night, that’s going to be me in that coffin. My soul will be leaving this world. And on the final Day, I’ll have to explain myself. As trivial as this indulgence seemed – how will I explain it? How can I justify having 4 different sweets in one night?”
The answer is simple: greed. I have an impulse to indulge – particularly in junk food.
Combine that with the whispers which come from those unseen (you know, the folks that have recently been released from their month-long incarceration) – and you have a solid trap to catch me.
So I resolved to be better the next day, insha-Allah.
I know not to give in to these desires. Actually, the desire for the taste – the craving – isn’t even strong at this point. (It gets stronger the further away I get from Ramadan). Yet I give in and indulge – out of habit.
And so, when I came home that night – right when I walked in – I again wanted something. My first instinct was to give in – until I remembered my intention to restrain myself.
The struggle has resumed. And I’m starting off from a point of weakness.
I really need to break this indulgence impulse. Perhaps I should brush my teeth right after supper?