20

20 years later,
In this same, blessed month,
I sit in a different life –
a different world.

So far removed,
in time,
in emotion,
in mental and spiritual state
from what I was back then.

Back when I simply existed,
unhappy with life –
no sense of direction,
no inner peace nor fulfillment –
beyond short-lived indulgences
which offered nothing of substance.

Traversing from desire to desire,
never finding anything lasting.
Never filling the void inside…

A hole waiting,
all those years,
for its Lord to guide me
to His path.

And though I deserved nought,
You saw in me something worthy…
worthy enough to pull me
from the depths of nothingness,
draw me to You –
through such intense need

The need to connect
with one who awakened in me
that which I’d never before experienced.

So immense was the feeling –
a swell of emotion,
a need for love –
for intimacy,
not of the physical kind,
but merely of overwhelming companionship
with one so fair
who you placed in my path.

And in this month,
you guided me to turn to You:
to start fulfilling my obligations,
which I had previously been heedless of
many times…

But now,
when I needed something so much,
You were my only way…
And to You I turned,
every single day and night,
supplication after supplication after supplication,
for the fulfillment of this dream
which I was not ready for,
yet so desperate to have immediately.

Your Plan unfolded,
and that Dream dissipated over time,
all the while You were nurturing this relationship between us –
a force which would bring me through
six tumultuous years thereafter,
before finally settling
into the foundation of what has become
my present life.

And I sit now,
exactly 20 years later,
exactly double the age I was back then,
transformed yet inadequate.

For my striving has long fallen away,
as demands of life have beaten down my spirit.

Yet still,
within me,
lays a spark,
an ability,
a smouldering fire
which I believe could ignite once more,
roar to life and propel me
to greater heights
now that I’ve reached
the fabled age of strength.

Where I go from here,
only You know…

But I pray for a resurgent spirit,
a refined character,
a resilient heart,
so that I may walk the Best Path possible…
make You proud
of how I turned out…
the insecure, lonely boy You saved,
and all he went through,
and how –
in the end –
his life was one of value;
a legacy he leaves behind…
goodness,
through whoever he benefitted,
whatever he did, of good, in this world.

And when I meet You on that Day,
I wish – however possible it may or may not be –
to truly embrace You,
in all my weakness and failure,
in all my insecurity and guilt,
and simply Thank You…
for You…
You are everything to me…
Everything…
and I just want to lose myself in Your embrace….

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